Depression is something that I can’t control. It quietly creeps upon me. I struggle with it for a little in the beginning, but it continues to grow as I usually choose to ignore it. I tell myself that it is going to be temporary and then assume that it will pass. I keep repeating in my thoughts that it is just a bad day and I’m only having a rough time. However, those things are not enough, and I am stuck in this state of mind.
I get used to putting a social mask and pretend that things are okay. I continue to live among other people because I know for sure that’s what I have to do. Perhaps, that’s what others do too. However, pain and struggle don’t come off that way. When I stand in line, I always think about how everything I do can be so wrong. Places, people, and uncontrolled circumstances paralyze me. Every time I play along with life, the emotional and psychological pain continues to grow more and more. I fall even deeper into the mental condition, and I slowly step back away from what life has to offer.
The mental condition won’t stop hurting me. As a result, I try to move away from people, friends, and family. Sometimes, I completely shut them down because I don’t think they can be any of help. I continue to destroy relationships. I hate crowds, I hate people, and I hate myself. I overthink, and sadly, all my satisfaction is gone. The little things that used to bring me joy are now insignificant. Sometimes, even the most straightforward task becomes so complicated that I can’t even convince myself to start doing any of it. I want to stop trying because I know nothing will make me happy anyway.
All the things about life make me feel worse and lonely. I believe I am caught up in a cycle where there’s no hope and escape. Suddenly, I notice that life is moving in slow motion and days become so indistinguishable. I can only feel heaviness; I can hear white noise, and I can’t see anything aside from the deep hollow space I’m in. There’s a lack of purpose and low self-esteem that hinders me from getting up. There is a big part of me that wants things to be better. I want to get a positive upsurge that helps me want to go out and meet new people. But all of that positivity is short-lived because depression somehow won’t allow me to feel better. In the end, I choose to stay by my side, alone in my comfort zone where no one asks questions if I’m okay.
I don’t want to stay in this mental and emotional drain forever, but it’s not like I can just quit and choose not to have depression. So I have to realize that I can’t go on without thinking about two things. Either I decide to get some help, or I attempt to commit suicide. I want to know what happens when I stop getting scared of being scared. I don’t want people’s judgment, and I don’t need their insults. I only wish to get better.
Life is never easy for me, and I know that some people who share the same mental condition with me also feel the same. Pretty much no one knows how depression feels like unless it’s on their shoe. I do not wish everyone to experience it, but the way to properly understand what it is and what it can do to someone is by experiencing it on your own.