Depression is something that I can’t control. It quietly creeps upon me. I struggle with it for a little in the beginning, but it continues to grow as I usually choose to ignore it. I tell myself that it is going to be temporary and then assume that it will pass. I keep repeating in my thoughts that it is just a bad day and I’m only having a rough time. However, those things are not enough, and I am stuck in this state of mind.
“Depression is real and painful. Just because you can’t see or touch it doesn’t make it any less real.” –Charmaine J. Simmons, LPC
I get used to putting a social mask and pretend that things are okay. I continue to live among other people because I know for sure that’s what I have to do. Perhaps, that’s what others do too. However, pain and struggle don’t come off that way. When I stand in line, I always think about how everything I do can be so wrong. Places, people, and uncontrolled circumstances paralyze me. Every time I play along with life, the emotional and psychological pain continues to grow more and more. I fall even deeper into the mental condition, and I slowly step back away from what life has to offer.
“We all experience these ups and downs, and most of the time we get through the downs and move on to better times. But for many of us certain situations at can trigger an episode of depression and make us feel a hopelessness that won’t go away.” Dr. Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC said. The mental condition won’t stop hurting me. As a result, I try to move away from people, friends, and family. Sometimes, I completely shut them down because I don’t think they can be any of help. I continue to destroy relationships. I hate crowds, I hate people, and I hate myself. I overthink, and sadly, all my satisfaction is gone. The little things that used to bring me joy are now insignificant. Sometimes, even the most straightforward task becomes so complicated that I can’t even convince myself to start doing any of it. I want to stop trying because I know nothing will make me happy anyway.
All the things about life make me feel worse and lonely. I believe I am caught up in a cycle where there’s no hope and escape. Suddenly, I notice that life is moving in slow motion and days become so indistinguishable. I can only feel heaviness; I can hear white noise, and I can’t see anything aside from the deep hollow space I’m in. There’s a lack of purpose and low self-esteem that hinders me from getting up. There is a big part of me that wants things to be better. I want to get a positive upsurge that helps me want to go out and meet new people. But all of that positivity is short-lived because depression somehow won’t allow me to feel better. In the end, I choose to stay by my side, alone in my comfort zone where no one asks questions if I’m okay.
I don’t want to stay in this mental and emotional drain forever, but it’s not like I can just quit and choose not to have depression. So I have to realize that I can’t go on without thinking about two things. Either I decide to get some help, or I attempt to commit suicide. I want to know what happens when I stop getting scared of being scared. I don’t want people’s judgment, and I don’t need their insults. I only wish to get better.
Deborah Serani, PsyD says, “Depression is not a weakness of character, laziness, or a phase. Tough love, like telling someone to ‘buck up’ or ‘try harder,’ doesn’t work, and worsens the illness.” Life is never easy for me, and I know that some people who share the same mental condition with me also feel the same. Pretty much no one knows how depression feels like unless it’s on their shoe. I do not wish everyone to experience it, but the way to properly understand what it is and what it can do to someone is by experiencing it on your own.